Sorrow Found Me When I Was Young
by AddieGreysPPPEvilRegal9119
Summary: "Dying changes everything" AU 8x24-9x01.; Random one-shot. References Maddek, Maddison, Addek, MerDer, Jaddison, Addisam, Calzona and Slexie. Warning:Character Death (and no it ISN'T Mark Sloan!)


**Because I got inspired to write this, and because I need some Maddison/Maddek in my life. **

* * *

**Mark:**

Your best friend is dead; Derek Christopher Shepherd is dead. It sounds weird saying, hearing even. You should be dead, but its Derek whose life was taken instead. You feel that its all too fucked up, for you to have lived and Derek to have died. You were the one, the pompous arrogant bastard who had done more bad than good, and somehow you lived and Derek, _good, sweet Derek_, is dead. You can't comfort Meredith, because you feel so numb inside, thinking about the fact that your best friend since the age of 7 is gone. You can't move, you can't breathe, you can't feel anything. The pain you feel for losing Derek makes you forget about anything. It's just after 2 am here in Seattle, which means that its just after midnight in LA where she lives. You know that you should have been the one to tell her of her ex husband's death but, you were much too distraught to tell her; so it became Callie's job to tell her. Now that you've had time to absorb everything, you feel it proper to call her, even if it is after midnight in Los Angeles. You're surprised that she picks up after the second ring. However, there's a deafening silence from both your end, and hers.

"Red?" and the thought of saying her name makes your heart constrict; you can't think of her and not think of Derek

"_Yeah_?" her voice is soft, but raspy; her crying is evident. You would know that sound better than you knew your own voice, seeing as you comforted her when she was in that state numerous times

"I'm sorry I didn't-"

"_No, no it's, its fine Mark; Callie said you took it pretty hard_"

"I should've been the one to-"

"_Mark, stop it; I understand...he was your best friend_" she says as you grow quiet

"...I never thought he'd be the first of us to go" you says

"_Me either_" she sighs

"How's Amelia?"

"_I'm worried about her; she was just starting to be okay after, after the baby and then-_"

"This happens; she shouldn't have to go through this again" you mutter gruffly

You can't bear to talk about this anymore so, you ask about her son Henry and you can almost see her smile through the phone; its as if she's grateful to talk about anything other than Derek right now. Your conversation ends with her promising to make arrangements to close the practice and come to Seattle for the funeral. You don't say it but, you know that without her by your side, you won't get through this.

**Addison:**

The thought of saying it is like the taste of pennies in your mouth: Derek is dead. _Derek Christopher Shepherd, _is dead. He was your husband for 11 years, but you were together for 15. He has been your best friend for over 20 years and now, now there's nothing, because he's dead. You feel for his new family, for Meredith, for Zola. You feel for his mother Carolyn, even though the woman has never been fond of you. To lose a husband is one thing, but to lose a son, your only son is just...unfathomable. You can't bear the thought of losing Henry; it makes you hold your little boy close just thinking about it. You have so many emotions going on as you and your colleagues all fly to Seattle for Derek's funeral. Its weird, the thought of there being a funeral for Derek. You always thought Derek would be old when he died with children and grandchildren. You have to blink back tears as you reflect on the good times, as well as the bad times you had with Derek. You soon arrive in Seattle, settling yourself in your hotel room when Callie calls saying that she needs you, that Mark needs you. Its frustrating really, the fact that Mark needs you. He shouldn't need you; but if you're honest with yourself, a part of you will always need him, now more than ever.

"Its okay Addison, go" Jake says, an understanding smile; damn that man for being so perfect.

"Jake-"

"Derek was your ex husband and Mark, Mark was your best friend, and Derek's. Go, I've got Henry; we'll hang out here at the hotel until you get back" he tells you before literally pushing you out of the door and then into a taxi. You're to emotionally unstable to drive the rental car so, a taxi seems better. The feel of the cool but gloomy Seattle wind whips across your face from the back of the cab (you've let the window down). Mark's apartment is only a few minutes away from the hospital, which you can see from a distance. You pay the cabby and then you're left standing there in front of the apartment, flooded with so many memories.

"You can do this Addison, Mark needs you" you tell yourself before walking inside and taking the elevator to Mark's floor. There's a deafening silence as you stand outside of his apartments, taking a quick glance over at Callie's place; you've only been there, once maybe when you came down for she and Arizona's wedding. Shaking back the memory of one of the last conversations you'd had with Derek, you knock on Mark's door...

only to be greeted with silence, so you knock again.

"Go away Torres!" you hear him shout brokenly, and what sounds to be drunkenly from the other side of the door.

"Mark, it's me"

* * *

**Mark:**

You don't know how long you've been lying here in bed, drinking and crying, crying and drinking. For you, time seems to have stood still because you don't know what day it is, what week, what month; you don't know anything right now. You do however, hear the irritating sound of someone knocking at the door, but you don't answer. Maybe whoever it is will just, go away and realize that you don't want to be bothered.

But your unwanted guest simply waits a few moments and knocks again

"Go away Torres" you shout; you love Callie, but right now you're not in the mood to have her trying to cheer you up, especially when she's dealing with the fact that she had to cut off Arizona's leg to save her life. You know that she cares about you, but right now, her caring should be about Arizona, not you. Then suddenly, you hear a voice respond that's not Callie's.

"Mark, it's me"

And with those words alone, you're driven towards the door to open it, to find a familiar redhead standing there.

"Red" you mutter as she gives you a sad smile

"Look at you, you're a mess" she says with a sad laugh before you notice the tears in her eyes. Though she let go of Derek quite sometime ago, you can tell that this loss has hit her with a lot of guilt. Maybe if she hadn't been so, weak, then she and Derek would still be together. If she hadn't cheated with you then she and Derek could have worked out their issues and he wouldn't have left her for some young intern and humiliated her by allowing her to find Meredith's panties in his coat pocket. You can tell just by looking at her that she's overcome with not only grief, but guilt also; and with this, you pull her into a hug, where she finally allows herself to cry, only on your shoulder. Its not long before she's pulling away, furiously wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

she says looking up at you.

"It's fine, I'm used to it" you mutter before quickly ushering her inside.

**Addison:**

You hadn't expected to cry on his shoulder but, it's Mark and, this is what you do. You of course quickly pull away, embarrassed as you wipe your eyes with the sleeve of your shirt.

"I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be making sure that you're okay, not the other way around" you say to him

"It's fine I'm used to it" he mutters before moving to let you inside; and once you are inside you're slightly horrified at the sight of his apartment.

"When's the last time you've cleaned up or, showered, because no offense, but you stink" you say, smiling a little, hoping to lighten up the mood.

"I haven't showered, I haven't eaten and I haven't cleaned up because in case you haven't noticed, my best friend's dead Addison" he snaps, quickly retracting the statement, saying he didn't mean to yell

"I know, it's fine; how about you go shower while I clean up and fix you something to eat, sound okay?"

"What are you gonna cook me?" he asks, looking at you quite skeptically, because he knows about your cooking skills, or lack thereof.

"I'll make the Mark Sloan special" you tell him, garnering the first real smile you're sure he smiled in what feels like a long time

"You still remember the-"

"Extra crispy bacon, runny eggs, and burned toast? How could I forget that? Best damn meal I ever could cook" you say, causing him to chuckle, and you to smile

"Now there's something I didn't think I'd see again, you laughing...I think Derek would enjoy seeing you smile" you say to him as he suddenly grows quiet before muttering about taking a shower.

Sometime later, Callie is knocking on the door, just as you take a non burned piece of bacon(what Mark doesn't know is that you've learned how to cook over the last few years; having several boyfriends who are geniuses in the kitchen has its perks).

"Hey Callie" you say with a smile as she and Sofia come into the now clean apartment

"Wow, its clean, I smell food and...where's Mark" Callie asks as you head back into the kitchen

"He's in the shower" you reply, just as the toast finishes

"Okay, Lexie and I have been trying to get him to snap out of this funk and you come in and get it all done in less than 3 hours...I kind of hate you right now" the dark haired Latina says, though her smile lets you know that she's only joking.

"He's grieving Cal, and its a different kind of grieving; its Derek who's dead of all people" you say to her

"Yeah, let's not be reminded"

"How's Meredith?" You ask

"A mess; Derek's mom and his sisters are here, hey, where's-"

"Amelia?"

"Yeah"

"Back at the hotel with Jake and Henry"

"Jake and Henry huh?" Callie says with a smile

"Yeah"

"So what happened with Sam?"

"He proposed but...I just, I couldn't say yes. As much as I _love_ Sam and believe me, _I __**love**__ Sam_...he and I we just, we wanted different things. I wanted a baby and he, he wasn't willing to budge on the subject. You know, I basically went through trying for IVF alone, and then when I didn't get the baby I'd been hoping to adopt, he dumped me"

"He dumped you? Oh wow, that was an asshole like thing to do"

"It was; he only started coming around when he realized that Jake and me, we really had something special; he was supportive of me during IVF and when I didn't get the baby and he's great with Henry...I made the right decision" you say with a smile, just as Mark emerges from the shower, looking a bit more, relaxed

"Wow, you look a lot better than you've been looking the past couple of days" Callie says to Mark who simply gives her a small smile before taking Sofia into his arms, holding her close for a few moments before smiling at you gratefully.

"Wow Red, when'd you learn to cook?" Mark teases

"Oh, shut up. I'm a mom now so, I had to learn how to cook" you say before pushing a plate in front of him as Callie takes Sofia so that he can eat.

"Ah, yes little Henry...when will Sofia get to meet her future husband?" Callie teases as Mark turns to look at her

"That's a bit premature don't you think Torres"

"Oh come on Mark! You've seen pictures of him, that boy is adorable. I mean, with our good genes and Addison as his mom, he and Sofia will make really cute babies"

"Okay and this is the part of the conversation where I agree with Mark and say that is way too soon for me to be thinking about becoming a grandma" you say to Callie with a laugh before holding Sofia in your arms as the little girl stares at you (or your red hair rather) in wonder

"Say I'm too young for babies mommy...though I'm pretty sure Henry will charm the pants off of you Sof...he has that affect on women" you say to the baby.

* * *

The next few days are okay, you and everyone from the practice gather at Callie's place with a few people from the hospital to talk about Derek; it's good for you to see some of your former colleagues from Seattle Grace. There's a larger, more public memorial held the following day, which gives you a chance to catch up with old friends from New York, particularly Weiss, Savvy and Naomi of course. Though the mood is a bit somber, you think that this is what Derek would have wanted. His funeral however is jam packed, people have come from all of over the country, some from different countries to bid farewell to the beloved Neurosurgeon. You're surprised that your own brother showed up for the occasion.

"I may not have thought that he was a good husband for you but, the guy was great with a scalpel, and a petty good friend too" Archer tells you. Its not until the funeral that you run into Derek's family, his sisters, nieces and nephews and of course, his mother. Nancy is of course the only one who's actually excited to see you; and all of the kids, who are now practically adults now. Kathleen and Liz are a bit standoffish; they were fond of you before but, after the affair, the closeness that you had with them basically disappeared. Its Carolyn's response to seeing you that's the most shocking.

"Addison, why look at you and you have a baby" the older woman says, reaching out to gently stroke Henry's cheek

"Yes, this is my son, Henry" you say proudly, pressing a kiss to your son's head

"He truly is adorable...I'm, I'm glad you came...and thank you, for what you've done for Amy, and for what you're doing with Mark" she tells you

"Oh, Mrs. Shepherd, I-"

"Callie called me and told me that Mark was fine, said that you had come and taken care of everything. She said she was worried that he wouldn't get out of bed and come to the service but...whatever it is you did, it got him here; I think Derek would be grateful for it"

You sit in the middle during the service, watching everyone carefully; Jake is beside you, his arm draped protectively around you as you watch Meredith try and keep her composure. You watch as Amelia suddenly bolts from the church, Jake and Charlotte quickly following. You're about to leave as well to make sure that she's okay but then something catches your attention; Mark is walking towards the podium, and suddenly, you feel compelled to listen to what he has to say.

"It feels weird doing this, talking about Derek...he was my best friend, and probably my only friend. I met him when I was 7. I feel kind of silly saying this but, I beat him up the first time I saw him because he thought he was better than me, least that's how I saw it at the time. Anyway, Derek was still nice to me, even after I beat him up; he invited me over to his house to play and Mrs. Shepherd, being the amazing woman that she is, drove me home only to find out that my parents...well, they weren't exactly parents to me; I practically raised myself. That day, the Shepherd's took me in and I became part of the family. Derek and I, we shared plenty of good times, and I pulled plenty of good pranks on him. Like the time I put his frog into the microwave, but Mrs. Shepherd, I swear it wasn't me that turned it on" he says, causing everyone to laugh. Soon enough, Amelia returns, sitting close to you, resting her head on your shoulder as she listens to Mark talk. There's one part in particular that cases you to find yourself bolting out of the church like Amelia had earlier.

"Our friendship wasn't always so perfect; there was a really rough patch about 7 or 8 years back. I did probably the most unthinkable thing I could ever have done to Derek; I won't say what it is but, most of you know. After Derek and Addison moved to Seattle, I felt...I was empty without them there; I spent a lot of time at the brownstone, crying over what I had done; how I'd ruined the lives of my two best friends..."

You don't even realize that you've left the church until a burst of sunlight hits you dead in the face and you realize that you're outside. Your chest feels tight and heavy at the memories of what happened in New York. You don't even realize it but, you're shaking and sobbing, begging Derek to forgive you. Its a shame that you ran out, because you missed the most important part of Mark's speech.

"...But then one day, as fate would have it, Addison called me and, even though what I had hoped for didn't happen, I was able to make peace with both of them and somehow, what happened in New York seems like a tiny little smudge in our friendship. Derek and Addison were there for me anytime I needed either of them. They were there when I learned that I was a father for the first time, and they saved the life of my daughters when they were in danger...I couldn't ask for better friends than them. Now that Derek's gone, its like there's been this huge shift in our friendship and it hurts. No one can understand the kind of friendship that I had with Derek, aside from Addison, because she's been there to witness most of it. It took her and Derek to get me to stand up here and say all of this. When he first died I didn't, I didn't know what I'd do. Now that I think about it, Derek's only gone physically, which hurts like hell but somehow, I feel like he'll always be with me no matter what. I love you Derek and man, do I miss you"

You remain inside of the rental car during the committal, too embarrassed to face everyone after suddenly bolting out of the church like that (you think that if Bizzy were alive that she'd scold you for such a thing). You're so caught up in your thoughts of Derek and Mark and your crazy friendship that you barely hear the light knocking on the window; it startles you a bit to see Mark standing there, Henry in his arms.

"Hey" you say with a sad smile

"You okay?" he asks

"A little embarrassed, that's all"

"I saw you when you ran out...I told Jake I'd come and check on you, make sure you were okay. I told him you were fine, your pride's probably wounded but, you're okay" he says as you unlock the door, motioning for him to join you inside of the car.

"How come you aren't out there for the committal?"

"I couldn't do it; I couldn't see them lower him into the ground...I still can't believe that all that's left of Derek, are ashes"

"Yeah, its a scary thought"

"You mean, Derek being nothing but ground up bones?"

"No; the thought of Derek being dead...it seems so..."

"Unreal?"

"Yeah. You ever think you'll visit him, his grave I mean?"

"One day, maybe; but right now, I can't...wound's too fresh" he says, reaching out to take one of your hands and squeeze it.

"Hey Mark"

"Yeah Red?"

"I'm sorry, about New York"

"Addison-"

"I was wrong; I was wrong when I said you'd have been a terrible father..."

"Addison, none of that matters; we both made mistakes Red and, we can't go back and change the past. All we can do, is look towards the future"

* * *

6 years later

You didn't ever think you'd have the courage to stand here, in front of Derek's grave; today's his birthday, he'd be 50 this year. You married Jake and you've got Henry, your daughter Lilly who was born a year after Derek's death, and your sweet little boy Colin. Mark married Lexie Grey and they've got a 4 year old son, Benjamin Derek Sloan and a daughter, Ella, who's almost 2. Sofia is now 7 and the spitting image of Callie, who is no longer with Arizona because she cheated on her with someone named Lauren Boswell. Callie moved to Los Angeles following her split with Arizona and she's now head of Orthopedics at St. Ambrose while also working at the practice. Sam and Naomi got married again after sleeping together at you and Jake's wedding; they have a 6 year old son, SJ. Meredith's still getting used to raising Zola as a single mom; the fact that she found out she was pregnant a few weeks after Derek's funeral nearly killed her but, Bailey Christopher Shepherd is perhaps the most precocious 5 year old you know. Owen Hunt a special wing of the hospital renamed in Derek's honor.

Everyone is gathered at Derek's grave this year to celebrate his birthday. You're one of the first to arrive, Jake, Henry and Lilly trailing behind. You immediately spot Mark, playing with Ella and you smile; she's exactly the way you envisioned she would look, a mini Mark Sloan. Almost as if he can feel your presence, he turns around with Ella, mid spin and smiles at you.

"Hey Red"

"Mark, hey and hello to you Ella"

"Hi Addison, are you here for Uncle Derek's birthday too?"

"Why yes I am" you reply with a smile as Mark settles her onto the ground

"Alright kid, why don't you go play" Mark says to her as he eyes 18 month old Colin

"Wow, look at him; seems like just yesterday that you were giving birth to him" Mark says

"Don't remind me; I don't know which was worse, his birth or Lilly's" you laugh just as Jake approaches, Amelia, James and their daughter Riley trailing behind.

As everyone else makes small talk, you walk over to Meredith, who is standing in front of Derek's grave, Zola and Bailey next to her.

"What was he like Mama?" Bailey asks, looking up at his mother, his eyes the exact shade of blue like his father's. Sensing that Meredith can't find the words, you offer a small piece of advice

"Well Bailey, you look exactly like him"

"I do?"

"Mmhm; and Zola, your daddy loved you very much, you know that right?" you ask the now 8 year old girl

"Uh huh" she says, trying to put on a brave face, but you can tell that she wants to cry so, you envelope her into a hug.

"Hey Z, its okay to cry because you miss your daddy" you tell her, crouching down so that you're eye level with her

"It is?"

"Mmhm; I'm sure your mommy misses him all the time and, so does Uncle Mark"

"But what about you Addie?"

"Oh I miss him a lot too"

"Uncle Mark said that you and daddy used to be married"

"Oh yeah, but that was a long, long time ago...way before he met your mom" you say, as Meredith grins

"Clever cover up" Meredith says; she looks so much older now, her face holding traces of sadness

"I had to say something; you wouldn't want me to tell your kid how you and I really met now would you?"

"I don't think she wants to know that her Aunty Addison pinned her mother's panties to the bulletin board at work" Meredith says as the both of you laugh fondly at the memory(though it wasn't a laughing moment for Meredith at the time). You two have reached a neutral ground of respect. After the funeral, you found yourself reaching out to the former intern; you like to think that Derek would've wanted that. You've been a part of her kid's lives, seeing as their cousin Sofia is your goddaughter; you've even hosted the little Shepherd kids at your house a couple of weekends.

"He'd be 50 today" Meredith says softly as the two of you stare at Derek's headstone

"He would" you say quietly as Mark approaches the two of you, standing next to you, taking your hand in his as you all stand silently, each thinking of Derek in your own way.

"Happy Birthday Derek..."

xxx


End file.
